“The end may justify the means as long as there is something that justifies the end.” – Leon Trotsky

You will never know how it feels, or how I feel, until you have walked in my shoes!  Loving our children is unconditional, but we don’t have to like what they are doing.  The unfortunate part is that Michael does not always know what he’s doing either.

What started as a mild outburst escalated into a violent rage, once again due to “I want a girlfriend“.  Alone with him, it took all I had to grab the phone in our struggle.  I remember rolling up as if I was being attacked by a bear.  I had to keep my face and neck protected.  Between the choking, jumping on me and stabbing with a fork, I somehow managed to reassemble the phone and dial 911.  But I don’t remember being able to press the talk button.  Somehow, I had managed to get him off of me and run to the safety of my bedroom.  911 operators called back and stayed on the line until police arrived.

Michael was again taken to the nearest hospital.  The only difference between this visit and the last, is that I was also checked out.  The fork had not pierced the skin, but there was swelling on my head, neck and marks all over my back, neck and face.   Again, he was formed.  Again, the pychiatrist was not in the hospital and would not keep him.  His condition is not that of a mental disorder, but due to the calcifications on the frontal lobe of his brain, that have affected his problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgement, impulse control, and social and sexual behavior.   It was their suggestion that he be seen by a forensic psychiatrist.  They could keep him overnight, but the next morning he would have to come home.

I was really scared this time.  What if it had been a knife?  I have always known that someday it would come to this, but what we as a family did next, scares me even more.  The hospital called the police to return and tak Michael.  That was the only other alternative.  The doctor in emerg was apprehensive in letting him go unless he would be by himself.  To my knowledge, he would be arrested and taken in front of a JP the next morning and then sent for a court-ordered assessment.  Not quite right!  We has arrested and charged with assault with a weapon.

Calls to the mental health crisis center, the behavior specialist, his support worker and the mental health services got us on our way.  First stop was to mental health court services.  His support worker cleared her schedule for the day and arrived at court shortly after us.  She is a lifesaver.  Without her, we probably would never have managed to keep things together.  She knew all the right questions to ask, who to see, what to do and still be there to comfort us.

And this time, both the crown and duty counsel agreed that he be assessed.  But the assessment is to see if he is mentally fit to stand trial.  This is where my fears leap in.  What if they deem him fit? I cant’t see his happening, but I am not a medical professional.  Deemed unfit, then maybe he will finally get the needed medical attention that we have struggled for over the past 5 years.  Deemed fit, what will become of him?

So I ask, does the end justify the means?

“Nature has placed mankind under the governance of two sovereign masters, pain and pleasure. It is for them alone to point out what we ought to do, as well as to determine what we shall do. On the one hand the standard of right and wrong, on the other the chain of causes and effects, are fastened to their throne. They govern us in all we do, in all we say, in all we think…”
— Jeremy Bentham , The Principles of Morals and Legislation (1789) Ch I, p 1